K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
