Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
