I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You did what with his pubic hair?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
