I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
