You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
