I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
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He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
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She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
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