pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Randomize
