Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
