you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
