It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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