well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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