at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
