my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
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