you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
