WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
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