This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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