how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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