i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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