I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
