You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
