Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
