i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
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She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
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Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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