I am in a vortex of obligation.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
