It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
