I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
