Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
