i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
