Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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