I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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