If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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