i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
