I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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