2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
