so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
