who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
