our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
