i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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