...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
