I'm lost and stupid without you.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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