Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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