I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
