I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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