can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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