Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
