Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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