I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
