she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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