If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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