i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
