Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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