I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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