Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
