He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
