You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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