is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
